This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
