I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
