I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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