I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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