i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
