remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
