This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
