So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
