I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
