go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
FUCK WHALES
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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