I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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