I am in a vortex of obligation.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
