Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
