So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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