My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
