i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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