yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
