Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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