Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
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