I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize