My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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