you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
