True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
