im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
