I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
