I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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