Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
