Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
