I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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