you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
