I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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