when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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