i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
