Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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