Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
