you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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