I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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