you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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