sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
