If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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