So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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