Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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