The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
