Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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