Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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