Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
