We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Randomize
