I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
