Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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