I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
