Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
