i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I know her cup size but not her name....
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