He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
