Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
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