My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
