I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
