I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
