happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
