I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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