Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize